Andrew Schulz has a new hour-long stand-up special on Netflix and the streamer describes it as a "razor-sharp yet heartfelt special."
After watching it, I decided that rather than reviewing it, I would just pass along a few of the jokes and let you decide for yourself....
"When your wife first gets pregnant, you have to go get a baby-specific doctor, called an OB-GYN, right? I didn't know what the fuck that was. I thought it was more gay letters. My wife's like, "We need an OB-GYN." I was like "Why do need a fuckin' gay guy to deliver the baby? What do they know about this? It's not their jurisdiction at all." I don't want some gay doctor to open my wife's legs, like (campy voice) "Ew, yucky. Vagina."
"Gross. I want to look at something hot, like a butt full of shit, you know?"
"Here's something you should know I wish I knew. Every two hours during labor, the doctor's going to walk in the room, finger your wife right in front of you. That's a pretty important piece of information, right?....yeah, you wife's gonna be a sock puppet for the next 24 hours, so get ready for this fuckin' illuminati humiliation ritual you just signed up for."
"Choose your OB-GYN wisely. Don't choose some 6'6" Viking with a baseball mitt as a hand. Your wife's not even dilating. He's scoopin' it out, Baskin Robbins. Thank God we had this little Filipina doctor. She looked like the chick that made the outfits for The Incredibles. She had the smallest little hands. They might have been chopsticks. They were so tiny."
"I'm Googling on the low, "dad C-section. It's just Tranny porn showing up on my phone."
"I go around the curtain. I see the baby. Now I don't know if any of y'all have ever seen a brand-new baby? You know how frogs start as tadpoles? Babies start as Puerto Rican. Did you guys know that? Every baby starts as Puerto Rican. This was the most Puerto Rican baby I've ever seen in my life. It had a Yankee fitted. It had a keychain with a frog on it. It was driving a Toyota Rav4 with a 4.7 Uber rating. It wasn't even 'goo-goo, ga-ga.' It was (makes trilling sound like a Freddie Prinze knock-off)."
"The second my baby turned white, I said 'They will not replace us.' I regret saying that out loud."
"The reason Muslims circumcise is 'cause Muslims are always trying to out-Jew the Jews."
" We don't call people un-gay. It's just 'gay' and 'going to heaven.' I don't make the rules, guys. Take that up with (sing-song voice) 'The Jews.'"
"If you on a date right now and you don't have a condom, leave it in. Nothing's gonna happen.....as long as Spanish is not her first language, you got nothing to worry about. Listen (Netflix captions refer to this as a "Latin American accent") If she's speaking Spanish, that's a problem. Spanish pussy turns your sperm into the red shell from Mario Kart. That's a guaranteed hit. You jerk off into a napkin, voom, voom, voom. 'Ay, dios mio. Twins. That happens all the time."
"The last place you wanna get recognized is the sperm clinic when you have a sprinkle of cum at the bottom of a cup. I go, "What's up man, let's keep it down. Uh...Hey bro. You think, this is like enough?" He takes the cup. He holds it up to the light like it's a fucking gemstone. He goes, "Honestly, bro, there's a gay guy that works here. I think he's got more in between his teeth."
"You know what a pussy looks like on the inside. Don't it look like an angry Mexican? (Changes voice) "You want these eggs, fool? Come get 'em, then, fool."
"If you wanna choose the gender of the baby, we can choose the gender. I'm just letting you know now, whatever we choose, it's gonna stay that one. Yeah, they're not coming back here 15 years later, 'I identify as...' I got paperwork. I don't give a fuck what you identify as. I spent 30 grand on a boy. I'm getting a fucking boy, okay? If you wanna be a girl, you owe me 30 grand. I raised you better than that. Your not gonna steal from me."
Andrew Schulz: Life is currently streaming globally on Netflix.