Over the past six months, AllYourScreens has been working on a story that can best be described as a "MeToo" investigation, although it also includes a great deal of emotional harassment, some of it involving actors under the age of 18. That completed piece is still being reported out and cleared by lawyers. But one of the actors I spoke with several times on deep background during the course of my reporting asked if she could post an anonymous guest column describing some of her feelings.
She's politically active and as she explained it to me, she's been deeply affected to the reaction by some people who have shrugged off professor Christine Blasey Ford’s claim that Brett Kavanaugh drunkenly sexually assaulted her when she was 15. She felt the need to speak out in some fashion and this was the way she felt most comfortable. The following is her column, exactly as she submitted it to me Friday afternoon.
I wish I was brave.
People who know me or think they know me usually see me as some smart-ass loose cannon. As an actor, I've always thrown myself into scenes and I'm the queen of WTF Instagram. But inside, I'm not that way.
I've spent weeks online reading MeToo stories and I suppose I should feel empowered or inspired or whatever the fuck you're supposed to feel when the world starts to wake up. But I don't. I feel powerless and alone and after years of therapy I still wake up angry some days. Who the hell wakes UP angry?
I was never raped and really even physically attacked. I just spent some of my teen years working for a handsy guy who was part big brother and part creepy uncle everyone in the family knows should never be alone with their kids. I got plenty of those breast-grabbing hugs and conversations that were way too close to be comfortable. Do you know how fucked up it is to have someone you work for telling you you're "really turning into a beautiful woman" or talk to you about how you need to "dress a bit sexier" for the fans? I wasn't a fucking idiot. I could see how much of our series and other teen shows pushed out this weirdly-sexualized image. I don't who it was for, but it wasn't for me or anyone I know. And if you think those adult fans of My Little Pony are creepy, try walking through a store and being stopped by old fucks who seemed to have left their mom's basement just long enough to tell me how much they love my work. Really? So Meryl Streep was your first choice, but you went with the teenager who wore a lot of shorts while bending over for the camera?
I wish I was brave.
I wish I could stand up publicly and scream how fucked up this industry is and how many people see working on a show with kids as some kind of way to get paid while they're window shopping. I had it easy compared to some people I know but that's their story. I just know that when I finally walked away after our show was canceled I hated acting. No, fuck that, I hated people. The network bastards who only cared about squeezing out another episode and the managers and the parents and everyone who made this shithole possible.
I know it's easy to dismiss a story without a credit and if that's what you want to do, that's on you. I should have the strength to tell my story. I should have the strength to sign my name. But I don't. I barely have the strength to get through some days. I hate myself for being a bitch to my family or screaming at my boyfriend when he hugs me and brushes his hand on my nipple. I hate myself for not being able to move on.
I'm not doing this for you. This is me screaming and I hope that maybe some other people I know will start screaming too.
